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Reality Check [Feb. 10th, 2005|12:58 pm]
[Current Mood | complacent]
[Current Music |Gyroscope - WERS]

I'm done being hateful because there are many other issues out there that need to be dealt with.

Fox News network... the most right-wing, slanted and selective news programming, but also powerful and excellently executed propaganda. In Comm, Media and Society, we watched a film, OUTFOXED, about Rupert Murdoch and Fox News. It's alarming how powerful this network is. Bill O'Reilly is an asshole, but still manages to get his message heard loud and clear. Then I realized that my family watches it and they voted for Bush. Fox News was able to implement a strong anti-Kerry campaign and could be partially responsible for the depressing outcome of Elections Night 2004. I want to do something proactive against this entity. America will only go backward and repeat history instad of making history. What do I do?

It's been five days since I was rejected and now I can appreciate that my mind is able to push possibly painful thoughts out. Thank you.

"Does your pussy hurt?" WHO SAYS THAT!? You're just lucky you're cute. And fun. OR ELSE....

The week by fast. Missed one class this week. Went to an Emerson Democrats meeting and had my idea be taken from me and no sort of gratitude... then I witnessed why Sam is frustrated with the organization and I left. I'm in enough organizations that for one organization to disrespect me, I don't need them.

Believe it or not, I'm in a better mood though. I'm enjoying this moment.

Secret: I like to practice ballet when I'm in the elevator alone. I also like to smell my feet. I like to masturbate. WHOA... I think I'm exposing too much information about myself. I'll share more later.
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I don't like this kid... [Feb. 10th, 2005|01:40 am]
[Current Mood | annoyed]
[Current Music |"Can't Hold Us Down" Christina Aguilera]

I may have hooked up with him in a drunken state at the beginning of the year, but I don't like him as a person. If I wasn't horny that night and also had about two months of actual knowledge who this person was, I wouldn't have given him any attention. I don't like him. After we hooked up, he told people... and by people, I mean almost everyone. Who does that? I would think that's embarassing and something I want to keep between friends. But my guess is that he used it as a social tool. Name-dropping is lame. Now, my biggest hang up with him is that he thinks he's SOOOO cool. Not really. People don't actually like him. I don't actually like him. He's the kind of kid that comes up to you and talk to you mainly to get something out of you. And he's been hooking up with a few other guys since then. I don't like it. How is he able to hook up with some pretty attractive boys since me while I'm sleeping in my bed alone. But then again, I shouldn't judge. I'm lonely. He's atleast getting something out of it regardless of whether its just a temporary sexual filling. I don't it. I don't like that this kid thinks he's so cool. He doesn't realize that when he's not around, people are not impressed. Actually, my friend told me that when she was at a concert and he was there, he made some comment about "fucking the drummer." Not at all acceptable. What a fool! He sucks at life.

Ok. I'm done being Hateful. Have a nice night!
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How to Be.... [Feb. 9th, 2005|02:41 pm]
[Current Mood | annoyed]
[Current Music |"Call On Me" DJ Falcon]

"How to be mature 101:
Lesson #1- It's ok to be drunk and wasted, but it's embarassing to talk about it. Not cool.
Lesson #2- Hookups are nice, but atleast remember their name. Otherwise, you're slutty.
Lesson #3- Parties are a great time to release and get away. If you have to search for the parties though, you're not cool. You're lame. And annoying.
Lesson #4- When you've reached a certain level of maturity, you don't need to be seen at parties to feel cool, you don't need to get wasted in order to hook up and you like who you are. Plus, you don't talk about it.

If this applies to you, take a look in the mirror and get over yourself. Time to grow up, not throw up."
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Rejection... [Feb. 7th, 2005|01:32 pm]
[Current Mood | aggravated]
[Current Music |"Sugar" Stretch Princess]

WOW! Rejection feels great. No really I wish it happened more often. Well, with the kind of rejection I got, I can move on. I asked for honesty. I got it. I appreciate it. The worst thing about the past few weeks was constantly guessing what the other person is thinking.
The irony of this is that I'm listening to the song lyrics, "How does it feel?" Hmm, it feels empty. Empty because beyond this rejection, It just flares the questioning and doubt. In Boston, I'm not the "hot item" in the gay community. There's a growing doubt of my own physical attributes. I know I'm attractive, but it's discouraging when Boston's standards of "attractive" are skinny, white boys with the typical gelled hair. My mix is not appreciated. It really begins to weigh on me after awhile.
Trust me. I'm honored to be complimented and told that I'm one of the "hottest" gay men at Emerson, but I don't believe it.
On top of that, I'm realizing that a past hookup is getting more play than me. I'm not forgetting that I do have standards and will not give into just anyone, but I still can't believe that this kid is getting play like that. I just don't understand why. And I don't like it.
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Has the World Gone Self-Centered? [Feb. 6th, 2005|04:01 pm]
[Current Mood | content]
[Current Music |"The New Year" Death Cab for Cutie]

I just don't get it. Why are people sooooo incredibly self-centered? I know I was conditioned to be a little selfish during this time in my life, but I think that this is ridic. To many of their comments, I just want to say "NO ONE CARES" or "This isn't about you." It's just wasteful and unnecessary. I think these kids have been neglected when they were younger or have an tremendous inadequacy problem. They need to build themselves up because they honestly don't feel that important.

The next person who comes up to me and dominates the conversation with their own topics, I will direct to their mirror and have them talk to their reflection because obviously the conversation doesn't involve me. With that said, I rest my case.

One update: I got a response. Now I know its important for me to move beyond this point. Do for me. Take care of myself and live my life.
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Number 11...Bjork [Feb. 5th, 2005|07:21 pm]
[Current Mood | crappy]
[Current Music |"Harm of Will" Bjork]

I'm listening to Bjork, "Harm of Will," and it reminds me of my High School Graduation. It was the 13th of June at Williamsport Area High School that marked the end of my tenure in the trivial period that was being carefree. By the end of that journey, I made a name for myself that continues here at Emerson. But this sense of "prestige" or "popularity" seems empty. Sure. It's awesome that people know me and greet me, but our relationships are superficial and just that. Empty. I'm a sophomore at Emerson now and I have this shinking feeling that next year when I live off campus, I'll have an incredible reality check. The kind of reality check that says, "You thought you had friends, but you really just have a company of acquaintances." Awesome. There's something to look forward to. Popularity really isn't all that it's cracked up.
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On a Random Friday in September... [Jan. 31st, 2005|11:58 am]
[Current Mood | content]
[Current Music |"The Prayer" Andrea Bocelli & Celine Dion]

I'm a tour guide at Emerson College. Every Friday, I give a tour to a group of prospective students and on a particular Friday in September, a 24 year old guy named Richard was on my tour. I remember walking into the room and looking around at all of the prospectives and spotted a guy who looked like he owned the place. Near the end of our tour, Richard asked me for my number. Whoa. I don't know whether I'm allowed to, but I did. He was in town for the weekend, checking out colleges by himself and he wanted to hang out. So I take him to a college party and we left early to go grab some food from Francesca's Cafe and then went to Franklin's Cafe for cocktails. Meanwhile engaged in a lot of "get to know you" conversation. I found out he graduated in 1999, but spent 9 months in Israel, 4 months in Egypt and then 4 years in Brazil where he taught English in schools. We come back to the LB and grab a friend's piece and some hash, then go to the Boston Commons. Went to NYP for pizza and then parted ways... but he had my stuff. So, he calls me at 3am and tells me he has my stuff. He says I could come and get it, but clearly I'm not thinking completely. So, I tell him I'll get it tomorrow. I see him briefly the next day and get my stuff. I didn't speak to him for a month or so afterward. Then one day he messages me on MySpace: "Call me sometime. Come to LA. I wanna hang out with you. You were the best tour guide ever." I give him a call. We chat. He got accepted to Pace University in NYC and moves to the east coast. He's not enjoying it that much because he's still trying to make friends. So, he's been IMing me asking me when I'm going to come and visit: "When are you coming to visit? COME COME COME! I wanna see you." Wow. I really only know you from six hours of talking and hanging out and now you want me to come and visit you... what do you think of this? Does this boy like me?

My guess is that he met me, felt drawn to me and wanted to spend the weekend with me. Somewhere in our conversation, he mentions that he was bisexual which could have been a hint. He keeps my stuff to lure me back to his hotel room, but I didn't catch that bait. We exchanged information and he used it. He kept in contact with me. Now he's on the east coast and since we're closer, he wants to get closer to me. He's from LA though, so I don't completely trust him... that and the fact that I don't know him very well. He's attractive. He's a hipster. He's also 24 years old. I think somewhere in ouor future we might cross paths more frequently, But who knows?
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Do you Know.... [Jan. 31st, 2005|11:11 am]
[Current Mood | peaceful]
[Current Music |"Beautiful" Mandalay]

"How Beautiful You Are." I'm listening to Mandalay. She's amazing. Even on an ugly day, she makes me feel beautiful.

Have you ever had one of those moments where finally a sense of clarity overcomes you. You realize how much you didn't know before as you begin to understand more about our reality. I realized today that I'm 19 years old, have been living in Boston for two years, been making a name for myself at Emerson and have a better understanding of who I am. I'm passed the initial excitement of being in a pool of gay men and have decided that the "gay scene" is not my preference. Not to discredit the gay scene by any means, I enjoyed it while I was there, but as I get older, I know that a relationship does not develop from the "scene."
Karma is another important concept that I'm beginning to believe in more and more lately. I watch a boy who is beginning to be feel the effects of the karma he created (or that he sent out). He dated quite a few boys and went through them like tissues. Finally, he's looking for someone to love and be in a relationship with and this other person is not interested. Heartbroken, he has to pick himself up with support from his friends, some of which, he burned in his quest for sexual escapades. Now, his number one question becomes... What do I do now?
I'm approaching seven years that I've been out of the closet. I lost my virginity around this time to a boy in my eighth grade year in school. Losing my virginity was significant, but it's been the incidences since then that really mold who I've become. I was considered the poster-boy. Which means everyone EVERYONE knew I was gay. That yielded some positive responses and opportunities for educating, but also brought some painful, threatening situations. Not terribly threatening, but I remember the kid who hated me the most was also the kid who wanted me the most. His name mirroring the name of a 70s family ending with "bunch." Faggot was his word. I never got the physical backlash of shoving and teasing, but just the mental abuse this boy had over me. He was much like my first official boyfriend. The control I had over the situation was the denial of the sexual release they longed for. It's like when a girl considers herself a bitch. The word bitch becomes an empowering term.

Speaking of empowering.... "Lady" by MoJo is on. That reminds me of my short tenure as a competitive dancer. I wasn't very good. I think now that I'm not getting the training every day, I've become a better dancer... if that's possible.

Now for the Remember when...
Remember when I dated Stefan during my senior year. He was a sophomore with a lot of issues. So cute though.
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A Walk to Remember... [Jan. 29th, 2005|02:48 pm]
[Current Mood | chipper]
[Current Music |"Extraordinary" Liz Phair]

I love that movie! My favorite part would be the part where I felt the same way. I just returned from a walk with someone I want to remember me. Currently, I 'm listening to Liz Phair and that reminds me of my infatuation with Steve Scott last year and even last semester. He liked me too. The problem with all of that came in the form of another person. A person that happened to be someone significant in my past. My ex boyfriend. That made me sad. Only for a week or so because I had someone else to keep me busy. And he had red hair which only enhanced the desires. I love RED HAIR. Something about that red goodness. Unfortunately the person I rebounded with, I didn't connect with very well and that relationship was never established thus now I have found someone that I am incredibly fascinated by. He makes me smile. Coincidentally, he has reddish brown hair. WOW! I'm drawn to that hair color. Nothing would make me happier at this moment than if he were to tell me that he liked me too and something developed from that moment on. Now, I'm listening to Nina Gordon's "Tonight and the Rest of My Life." Enough said.
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A Psychic Once Told Me.... [Jan. 29th, 2005|12:17 pm]
[Current Music |BJORK]

I'm not a skeptic, but I am weary (if that makes sense) of these readings. Today, as part of Free for the Weekend, I went to the Psychic fair. It made me smile. I went in with a few questions about Core Staff and relationships and such. When I sat down she asked for my name and birthday. Then glanced at my name and said, "oh, you're going to do very well. very well in this lifetime." From that point, she won me over. Of course, she could be completely bullshytting, but I was attached. My first concern was about Orientation and being on Core Staff. Mainly it stems from not knowing these people at all and then having to trust them and plan an entire week filled with activities. I also have to live here in the dorms and take classes and working. The psychic, her name was Elizabeth, told me that Core Staff should be strong. We've got good communication. We're gonna have a few fights, but constructive fights. We've got three divas in the group (I'm probably one of them) who have their own agenda, but it is important to compromise. We're a very good mix of personalities that should establish a great dynamic. Elizabeth mentioned some concerns about budget and clashing which is already happening and a lack of clarity that we're all trying to find. I totally felt that. I think that was right on. Now, granted, she will only tell me things I want to hear, but I think that reading was pretty accurate. Our Core Staff should be AWESOME.

On another note, last night during the NO BOOZE APALOOZA Comedy performances, Chocolate Cake City wanted to turn off the lights and weren't sure how to do it. The lights went out, but getting them on was a challenge. For thirty minutes the lights were not cooperating. Other comedy troupes were trying to help out and for thirty minutes the support staff didn't even attempt to help out. GROSS! Finally, it was Sharon Duffy to the rescue. Awesome. She's so great... I mean that night wouldn't have gone off without a glitch had she been in charge. She's wonderful and smiles to your face, you wouldn't want to know what she's saying behind your back. AWESOME. I'm not afraid of her.

Enough Said, I'll write more later.
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Filling In... [Jan. 28th, 2005|03:20 pm]
[Current Mood | calm]
[Current Music |WERS]

So I like this boy... how he feels about me, I'm not quite sure. I wanna see him more often and talk with him, but every time he's around, he gives me butterflies. BUTTERFLIES! Wow. If only Life came with an instruction manual situation wouldn't be so awkward. And this trend with awkward should be ending soon. I hope. Let's also find better word than shady and sketchy to explain when we are suspicious. Something happened today that really threw my day for a loop. Expect the unexpected is what they say, but my mother always told me not to talk to strangers and I never did that either. I wanted to make friends. Whow knows what to think though?
I'm in the admission office currently and although, I feel inspired to write me, I haven't a thing to say... I'll continue this fill in later.
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Transatlanticism [Nov. 19th, 2004|09:49 am]
[Current Music |"Transatlanticism" Def Cab for Cutie]

I feel inspired. Inspired by what? Thoughts. The endless stream of thoughts that mainly overwhelm me, but can sometimes motivate me to write.
Now the question becomes ... what do I write about?
Better yet. Where do I start?

I don't know.
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The News of the Century.... [Sep. 15th, 2004|01:25 pm]
[Current Mood | excited]
[Current Music |"Let Go" Frou Frou]

CONGRATULATIONS!!

You’ve made it to the first step of the casting process… the long application!! Pause… take a deep breath, and relax. There’s still a long way to go – but in a matter of months, you could find yourself sharing your story with millions of viewers on MTV!!

Okay, so here’s the deal: attached to this e-mail is an application for the next season of “The Real World.” Open it and read the instructions carefully. You’ll want to print it out and fill it out as soon as possible. However, make sure you take your time and answer each question honestly and to the best of your ability.

After you fill it out, follow the instructions on the front page of the document to get it back to us ASAP. Time is very much of the essence; we cast the shows on very short notice, so sending us the application quickly is extremely important.

PLEASE NOTE: Any Yahoo! mail users, do not use the “view attachment” option – instead, scan and download the attachment into Microsoft Word or another program, and print it out (if you use the “view attachment” option, the spacing will be messed up).

If you have any questions, feel free to respond to this e-mail. However, just to get a very common one out of the way… there is not a ‘set number’ of rounds of the casting process—it differs for everyone. Just be happy that you’ve gotten this far and keep it up… it may take you all the way!!



Your friend on the inside,

Lacey J



Lacey Doxtader

Casting Coordinator

The Real World
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Many thanks to many people.... [Aug. 23rd, 2004|05:46 pm]
[Current Mood | cheerful]
[Current Music |"Animal Instinct" The Cranberries]

Reviewing the events of my summer, only makes me appreciate my life even more. The people were instrumental. I loved moments and embraced other challenge that I know will make me a stronger person.

1. To the person whose lives the "gray" life where nothing seems right or wrong. I love you because you present some of the happiest times through conversations and also challenge me through your weaknesses. I'm always here for you. My appreciation for you goes beyond boundaries. You made me who I am, but not intentionally. I know that you tried to provide and you have in more emotional ways then you will ever know. Thanks for providing the lifestyle I live.
2. To the person I'd crown most improved, you endure plenty and the rewards will be endless. Your life is already successful and you will raise beauties molded after you and they too will share in the success you've provided them.
3. To the various friends and family that I deem important because of the endless lessons they've bestowed upon me. I've become more patient, more loving, more mature, more tolerant, more enlightened through the interactions and relationships with you.
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What's there to say.... [Aug. 23rd, 2004|05:21 pm]
[Current Mood | calm]
[Current Music |"Just My Imagination" The Cranberries]

"There was a game we used to play, We would hit the town on Friday night and stay in bed until Sunday..." Jilliann's house was the site of a reunion of sorts. Friends from high school regardless of their cliques all gathered and realized that we're growing up and the most important thing is that we endure things like the Big, Bad Williamsport High School and coming out better, more evolved people for it. High School is bullshyt and when you're in it, you hate it. But, once you're out, you remember the good things and long to go back. There I was having a conversation with the kid who used to harass me for being gay, went to Dunkin' Donuts with my old clan and reminsced about the past, rekindled something with an old boyfriend, Derek, who knows where that might go.
I got to leave and by leaving, I grew to appreciate high school and the differences I had from others.
Right now, I'm listening to the Cranberries (I just got their entire Treasure Box collections) and it brings up past moments when I was listening to the same exact song and the feeling is indescribable. In four years, my dad got remarried to a beautiful Sophia Loren Italian woman, my granfather and SCRAM died, I made National Honors Society, I dated four guys, I took a year of dance, I was the leader of Student Government, I was recognized in multiple high school scholar publications, I grew.
And my new slogan is: A masterpiece in progress.

But, on another note, I'm not sure that John Kerry will win the Presidency this November (71 days), but in 2008, Ms. Hiliary Clinton will be on the Democratic ticket and I will be in her campaign. her slogan will be: "90 years in the Making" since Women's suffrage began in 1918. YEA! I think my generation will be the generation to see a female president and Ms. Hiliary will be the first.
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Wanted to, but Didn't.... [Aug. 21st, 2004|03:53 am]
[Current Mood | blah]
[Current Music |"Brand New Colony" Postal Service]

I grappled with the thought to update my live journal tonight, but instead at the near hour of 4 in the morning, I've decided to create an entry that should explain why I decided not to write in my live journal, but I'm not going to do that either.

For the Record:
I am happy.
I am excited to go back to school in about a week.
I am anxious to go on vacation to Stone Harbor, NJ.
I like someone who likes me.
I want world peace.
I will vote for Kerry in November. 73 days away!!!
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Long Time, huh? [Aug. 14th, 2004|11:46 pm]
[Current Mood | Random]
[Current Music |"Gleaming Auction" Snow Patrol]

Yea Switchfoot, we were meant to live for so much more.

80 days until America's Day of Judgment: Election Day. Bush vs. Kerry

Working with Rock the Vote at The Dem. Nat'l Convention opened up my eyes into the world of politics that I've considered changing my major once more to Political Communications at Emerson College. Then, I mapped out the rest of my studies to go to George Washington for my masters and stay in DC for lobbying and harassing the Republican party until they stop hoarding all of the money for themselves and give it to the lower classes that work hella hard.
I've been practicing my newly acquired English accent just in case Bush is reelected... I'd have to move to another country that isn't dumb enough to allow a foolish dictator to rule them under a false pretense called "democracy." Which brings up another point, why in a frame work, democracy, do we have two parties that compete with each other for the majority leadership and then stall all legislation as an attempt to get political gain while sacrificing the true interest of their districts. We end up waiting years for legislation to be passed and the parties to quit playing their political games of battleship. Whateve... I'm over it.
Everywhere you turn their are ridiculous politics though. I worked in hell disguised as a summer camp for "at risk" kids. The camp director herself never clearly defined "at risk" until the 45 clueless counselors most from camp agencies in the UK arrived and we were trapped. These kids were ADHD, sexually, physically and mentally abused, couldn't read and write, have social and behaviorial issues and we were supposed to stay by their side for 24 hours a day, five days a week with shyt for pay. Nope... I'm a poor college student who needs to make money over the summer in order to avoid working during the school year so that I have more money to spend instead of waiting for my parents to toss money my way..... yea, life story. You get the point.
Beyond that, there's no place like home....

I felt like I had so much more to say in this entry, but stay tuned for part two tomorrow because my eyes are collapsing on my face right now. I'm going to bed.
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I've DECIDED!!!! [Jul. 20th, 2004|06:04 pm]
[Current Mood | cheerful]
[Current Music |"I See Right Through..." DJ Encore]

I'm going to try out for MTV's The Real World.... I'll be making my tape and sending it in in early August. Wish me luck!!! If I get casted, some of you can expect to be invited to visit.
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Camp Horizon is more like Camp Hell with satanic campers.... [Jul. 20th, 2004|05:48 pm]
[Current Mood | complacent]
[Current Music |"One Step Too Far"]

Oh livejournal, how I've missed you!!! It's a week before the Democratic National Convention and I'm still in hell, I mean camp. It's a bittersweet relationship at this camp... one minute I like it, next minute I hate everything about it. This is truly more than a challenge and although, I threaten to quit often, deep inside I appreciate the challenge. I can handle any thing after this summer with these kids. They warned us that these kids would bite, spit and hit us just before the campers arrived and thank goodness that I haven't had any of those incidences yet....knock on wood. This weekend I get to volunteer for the Democratic National Convention in Boston and reunite with my girls in Beantown, then a week from then I'm heading back home for a huge family reunion and wedding in Williamsport.... I can't wait to go home, I miss home. I loved it at home.
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Derek, my ex and my future, WEIRD. [Jun. 19th, 2004|01:50 am]
[Current Mood | flirty]
[Current Music |"Dude" Beenie Man]

I've only hung out with you twice while I've been home these past two weeks, but something clicked. Although, I dated you in the past, your marriage material in my eyes. When we dated before, you were a sophomore and I was a senior expecting a lot of you especially for you to be out in order for me to keep my comfort. But seeing you over the past few days reminds me of the things I was initially attracted to and more. Nothing was wrong with you before and simply put, I'd totally date you again.

MY PLEDGE: If out paths are to cross sometime later in life, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and try to scoop you up again.

Derek, you beautiful mix of Italian and Irish, I want to try you out again.
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