Random Thoughts

Reality Check

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 18:19:53 GMT

I'm done being hateful because there are many other issues out there that need to be dealt with.

Fox News network... the most right-wing, slanted and selective news programming, but also powerful and excellently executed propaganda. In Comm, Media and Society, we watched a film, OUTFOXED, about Rupert Murdoch and Fox News. It's alarming how powerful this network is. Bill O'Reilly is an asshole, but still manages to get his message heard loud and clear. Then I realized that my family watches it and they voted for Bush. Fox News was able to implement a strong anti-Kerry campaign and could be partially responsible for the depressing outcome of Elections Night 2004. I want to do something proactive against this entity. America will only go backward and repeat history instad of making history. What do I do?

It's been five days since I was rejected and now I can appreciate that my mind is able to push possibly painful thoughts out. Thank you.

"Does your pussy hurt?" WHO SAYS THAT!? You're just lucky you're cute. And fun. OR ELSE....

The week by fast. Missed one class this week. Went to an Emerson Democrats meeting and had my idea be taken from me and no sort of gratitude... then I witnessed why Sam is frustrated with the organization and I left. I'm in enough organizations that for one organization to disrespect me, I don't need them.

Believe it or not, I'm in a better mood though. I'm enjoying this moment.

Secret: I like to practice ballet when I'm in the elevator alone. I also like to smell my feet. I like to masturbate. WHOA... I think I'm exposing too much information about myself. I'll share more later.

I don't like this kid...

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 06:58:05 GMT

I may have hooked up with him in a drunken state at the beginning of the year, but I don't like him as a person. If I wasn't horny that night and also had about two months of actual knowledge who this person was, I wouldn't have given him any attention. I don't like him. After we hooked up, he told people... and by people, I mean almost everyone. Who does that? I would think that's embarassing and something I want to keep between friends. But my guess is that he used it as a social tool. Name-dropping is lame. Now, my biggest hang up with him is that he thinks he's SOOOO cool. Not really. People don't actually like him. I don't actually like him. He's the kind of kid that comes up to you and talk to you mainly to get something out of you. And he's been hooking up with a few other guys since then. I don't like it. How is he able to hook up with some pretty attractive boys since me while I'm sleeping in my bed alone. But then again, I shouldn't judge. I'm lonely. He's atleast getting something out of it regardless of whether its just a temporary sexual filling. I don't it. I don't like that this kid thinks he's so cool. He doesn't realize that when he's not around, people are not impressed. Actually, my friend told me that when she was at a concert and he was there, he made some comment about "fucking the drummer." Not at all acceptable. What a fool! He sucks at life.

Ok. I'm done being Hateful. Have a nice night!

How to Be....

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 19:43:41 GMT

"How to be mature 101:
Lesson #1- It's ok to be drunk and wasted, but it's embarassing to talk about it. Not cool.
Lesson #2- Hookups are nice, but atleast remember their name. Otherwise, you're slutty.
Lesson #3- Parties are a great time to release and get away. If you have to search for the parties though, you're not cool. You're lame. And annoying.
Lesson #4- When you've reached a certain level of maturity, you don't need to be seen at parties to feel cool, you don't need to get wasted in order to hook up and you like who you are. Plus, you don't talk about it.

If this applies to you, take a look in the mirror and get over yourself. Time to grow up, not throw up."

Rejection...

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 18:58:28 GMT

WOW! Rejection feels great. No really I wish it happened more often. Well, with the kind of rejection I got, I can move on. I asked for honesty. I got it. I appreciate it. The worst thing about the past few weeks was constantly guessing what the other person is thinking.
The irony of this is that I'm listening to the song lyrics, "How does it feel?" Hmm, it feels empty. Empty because beyond this rejection, It just flares the questioning and doubt. In Boston, I'm not the "hot item" in the gay community. There's a growing doubt of my own physical attributes. I know I'm attractive, but it's discouraging when Boston's standards of "attractive" are skinny, white boys with the typical gelled hair. My mix is not appreciated. It really begins to weigh on me after awhile.
Trust me. I'm honored to be complimented and told that I'm one of the "hottest" gay men at Emerson, but I don't believe it.
On top of that, I'm realizing that a past hookup is getting more play than me. I'm not forgetting that I do have standards and will not give into just anyone, but I still can't believe that this kid is getting play like that. I just don't understand why. And I don't like it.

Has the World Gone Self-Centered?

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 21:24:01 GMT

I just don't get it. Why are people sooooo incredibly self-centered? I know I was conditioned to be a little selfish during this time in my life, but I think that this is ridic. To many of their comments, I just want to say "NO ONE CARES" or "This isn't about you." It's just wasteful and unnecessary. I think these kids have been neglected when they were younger or have an tremendous inadequacy problem. They need to build themselves up because they honestly don't feel that important.

The next person who comes up to me and dominates the conversation with their own topics, I will direct to their mirror and have them talk to their reflection because obviously the conversation doesn't involve me. With that said, I rest my case.

One update: I got a response. Now I know its important for me to move beyond this point. Do for me. Take care of myself and live my life.

Number 11...Bjork

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 00:37:51 GMT

I'm listening to Bjork, "Harm of Will," and it reminds me of my High School Graduation. It was the 13th of June at Williamsport Area High School that marked the end of my tenure in the trivial period that was being carefree. By the end of that journey, I made a name for myself that continues here at Emerson. But this sense of "prestige" or "popularity" seems empty. Sure. It's awesome that people know me and greet me, but our relationships are superficial and just that. Empty. I'm a sophomore at Emerson now and I have this shinking feeling that next year when I live off campus, I'll have an incredible reality check. The kind of reality check that says, "You thought you had friends, but you really just have a company of acquaintances." Awesome. There's something to look forward to. Popularity really isn't all that it's cracked up.

On a Random Friday in September...

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 17:34:40 GMT

I'm a tour guide at Emerson College. Every Friday, I give a tour to a group of prospective students and on a particular Friday in September, a 24 year old guy named Richard was on my tour. I remember walking into the room and looking around at all of the prospectives and spotted a guy who looked like he owned the place. Near the end of our tour, Richard asked me for my number. Whoa. I don't know whether I'm allowed to, but I did. He was in town for the weekend, checking out colleges by himself and he wanted to hang out. So I take him to a college party and we left early to go grab some food from Francesca's Cafe and then went to Franklin's Cafe for cocktails. Meanwhile engaged in a lot of "get to know you" conversation. I found out he graduated in 1999, but spent 9 months in Israel, 4 months in Egypt and then 4 years in Brazil where he taught English in schools. We come back to the LB and grab a friend's piece and some hash, then go to the Boston Commons. Went to NYP for pizza and then parted ways... but he had my stuff. So, he calls me at 3am and tells me he has my stuff. He says I could come and get it, but clearly I'm not thinking completely. So, I tell him I'll get it tomorrow. I see him briefly the next day and get my stuff. I didn't speak to him for a month or so afterward. Then one day he messages me on MySpace: "Call me sometime. Come to LA. I wanna hang out with you. You were the best tour guide ever." I give him a call. We chat. He got accepted to Pace University in NYC and moves to the east coast. He's not enjoying it that much because he's still trying to make friends. So, he's been IMing me asking me when I'm going to come and visit: "When are you coming to visit? COME COME COME! I wanna see you." Wow. I really only know you from six hours of talking and hanging out and now you want me to come and visit you... what do you think of this? Does this boy like me?

My guess is that he met me, felt drawn to me and wanted to spend the weekend with me. Somewhere in our conversation, he mentions that he was bisexual which could have been a hint. He keeps my stuff to lure me back to his hotel room, but I didn't catch that bait. We exchanged information and he used it. He kept in contact with me. Now he's on the east coast and since we're closer, he wants to get closer to me. He's from LA though, so I don't completely trust him... that and the fact that I don't know him very well. He's attractive. He's a hipster. He's also 24 years old. I think somewhere in ouor future we might cross paths more frequently, But who knows?

Do you Know....

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 16:56:16 GMT

"How Beautiful You Are." I'm listening to Mandalay. She's amazing. Even on an ugly day, she makes me feel beautiful.

Have you ever had one of those moments where finally a sense of clarity overcomes you. You realize how much you didn't know before as you begin to understand more about our reality. I realized today that I'm 19 years old, have been living in Boston for two years, been making a name for myself at Emerson and have a better understanding of who I am. I'm passed the initial excitement of being in a pool of gay men and have decided that the "gay scene" is not my preference. Not to discredit the gay scene by any means, I enjoyed it while I was there, but as I get older, I know that a relationship does not develop from the "scene."
Karma is another important concept that I'm beginning to believe in more and more lately. I watch a boy who is beginning to be feel the effects of the karma he created (or that he sent out). He dated quite a few boys and went through them like tissues. Finally, he's looking for someone to love and be in a relationship with and this other person is not interested. Heartbroken, he has to pick himself up with support from his friends, some of which, he burned in his quest for sexual escapades. Now, his number one question becomes... What do I do now?
I'm approaching seven years that I've been out of the closet. I lost my virginity around this time to a boy in my eighth grade year in school. Losing my virginity was significant, but it's been the incidences since then that really mold who I've become. I was considered the poster-boy. Which means everyone EVERYONE knew I was gay. That yielded some positive responses and opportunities for educating, but also brought some painful, threatening situations. Not terribly threatening, but I remember the kid who hated me the most was also the kid who wanted me the most. His name mirroring the name of a 70s family ending with "bunch." Faggot was his word. I never got the physical backlash of shoving and teasing, but just the mental abuse this boy had over me. He was much like my first official boyfriend. The control I had over the situation was the denial of the sexual release they longed for. It's like when a girl considers herself a bitch. The word bitch becomes an empowering term.

Speaking of empowering.... "Lady" by MoJo is on. That reminds me of my short tenure as a competitive dancer. I wasn't very good. I think now that I'm not getting the training every day, I've become a better dancer... if that's possible.

Now for the Remember when...
Remember when I dated Stefan during my senior year. He was a sophomore with a lot of issues. So cute though.

A Walk to Remember...

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 20:12:05 GMT

I love that movie! My favorite part would be the part where I felt the same way. I just returned from a walk with someone I want to remember me. Currently, I 'm listening to Liz Phair and that reminds me of my infatuation with Steve Scott last year and even last semester. He liked me too. The problem with all of that came in the form of another person. A person that happened to be someone significant in my past. My ex boyfriend. That made me sad. Only for a week or so because I had someone else to keep me busy. And he had red hair which only enhanced the desires. I love RED HAIR. Something about that red goodness. Unfortunately the person I rebounded with, I didn't connect with very well and that relationship was never established thus now I have found someone that I am incredibly fascinated by. He makes me smile. Coincidentally, he has reddish brown hair. WOW! I'm drawn to that hair color. Nothing would make me happier at this moment than if he were to tell me that he liked me too and something developed from that moment on. Now, I'm listening to Nina Gordon's "Tonight and the Rest of My Life." Enough said.

A Psychic Once Told Me....

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 18:57:37 GMT

I'm not a skeptic, but I am weary (if that makes sense) of these readings. Today, as part of Free for the Weekend, I went to the Psychic fair. It made me smile. I went in with a few questions about Core Staff and relationships and such. When I sat down she asked for my name and birthday. Then glanced at my name and said, "oh, you're going to do very well. very well in this lifetime." From that point, she won me over. Of course, she could be completely bullshytting, but I was attached. My first concern was about Orientation and being on Core Staff. Mainly it stems from not knowing these people at all and then having to trust them and plan an entire week filled with activities. I also have to live here in the dorms and take classes and working. The psychic, her name was Elizabeth, told me that Core Staff should be strong. We've got good communication. We're gonna have a few fights, but constructive fights. We've got three divas in the group (I'm probably one of them) who have their own agenda, but it is important to compromise. We're a very good mix of personalities that should establish a great dynamic. Elizabeth mentioned some concerns about budget and clashing which is already happening and a lack of clarity that we're all trying to find. I totally felt that. I think that was right on. Now, granted, she will only tell me things I want to hear, but I think that reading was pretty accurate. Our Core Staff should be AWESOME.

On another note, last night during the NO BOOZE APALOOZA Comedy performances, Chocolate Cake City wanted to turn off the lights and weren't sure how to do it. The lights went out, but getting them on was a challenge. For thirty minutes the lights were not cooperating. Other comedy troupes were trying to help out and for thirty minutes the support staff didn't even attempt to help out. GROSS! Finally, it was Sharon Duffy to the rescue. Awesome. She's so great... I mean that night wouldn't have gone off without a glitch had she been in charge. She's wonderful and smiles to your face, you wouldn't want to know what she's saying behind your back. AWESOME. I'm not afraid of her.

Enough Said, I'll write more later.

Filling In...

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 20:26:21 GMT

So I like this boy... how he feels about me, I'm not quite sure. I wanna see him more often and talk with him, but every time he's around, he gives me butterflies. BUTTERFLIES! Wow. If only Life came with an instruction manual situation wouldn't be so awkward. And this trend with awkward should be ending soon. I hope. Let's also find better word than shady and sketchy to explain when we are suspicious. Something happened today that really threw my day for a loop. Expect the unexpected is what they say, but my mother always told me not to talk to strangers and I never did that either. I wanted to make friends. Whow knows what to think though?
I'm in the admission office currently and although, I feel inspired to write me, I haven't a thing to say... I'll continue this fill in later.

Transatlanticism

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 15:32:00 GMT

I feel inspired. Inspired by what? Thoughts. The endless stream of thoughts that mainly overwhelm me, but can sometimes motivate me to write.
Now the question becomes ... what do I write about?
Better yet. Where do I start?

I don't know.

The News of the Century....

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 17:27:12 GMT

CONGRATULATIONS!!

You’ve made it to the first step of the casting process… the long application!! Pause… take a deep breath, and relax. There’s still a long way to go – but in a matter of months, you could find yourself sharing your story with millions of viewers on MTV!!

Okay, so here’s the deal: attached to this e-mail is an application for the next season of “The Real World.” Open it and read the instructions carefully. You’ll want to print it out and fill it out as soon as possible. However, make sure you take your time and answer each question honestly and to the best of your ability.

After you fill it out, follow the instructions on the front page of the document to get it back to us ASAP. Time is very much of the essence; we cast the shows on very short notice, so sending us the application quickly is extremely important.

PLEASE NOTE: Any Yahoo! mail users, do not use the “view attachment” option – instead, scan and download the attachment into Microsoft Word or another program, and print it out (if you use the “view attachment” option, the spacing will be messed up).

If you have any questions, feel free to respond to this e-mail. However, just to get a very common one out of the way… there is not a ‘set number’ of rounds of the casting process—it differs for everyone. Just be happy that you’ve gotten this far and keep it up… it may take you all the way!!

Your friend on the inside,

Lacey J

Lacey Doxtader

Casting Coordinator

The Real World

Many thanks to many people....

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 23:44:57 GMT

Reviewing the events of my summer, only makes me appreciate my life even more. The people were instrumental. I loved moments and embraced other challenge that I know will make me a stronger person.

1. To the person whose lives the "gray" life where nothing seems right or wrong. I love you because you present some of the happiest times through conversations and also challenge me through your weaknesses. I'm always here for you. My appreciation for you goes beyond boundaries. You made me who I am, but not intentionally. I know that you tried to provide and you have in more emotional ways then you will ever know. Thanks for providing the lifestyle I live.
2. To the person I'd crown most improved, you endure plenty and the rewards will be endless. Your life is already successful and you will raise beauties molded after you and they too will share in the success you've provided them.
3. To the various friends and family that I deem important because of the endless lessons they've bestowed upon me. I've become more patient, more loving, more mature, more tolerant, more enlightened through the interactions and relationships with you.

What's there to say....

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 21:45:21 GMT

"There was a game we used to play, We would hit the town on Friday night and stay in bed until Sunday..." Jilliann's house was the site of a reunion of sorts. Friends from high school regardless of their cliques all gathered and realized that we're growing up and the most important thing is that we endure things like the Big, Bad Williamsport High School and coming out better, more evolved people for it. High School is bullshyt and when you're in it, you hate it. But, once you're out, you remember the good things and long to go back. There I was having a conversation with the kid who used to harass me for being gay, went to Dunkin' Donuts with my old clan and reminsced about the past, rekindled something with an old boyfriend, Derek, who knows where that might go.
I got to leave and by leaving, I grew to appreciate high school and the differences I had from others.
Right now, I'm listening to the Cranberries (I just got their entire Treasure Box collections) and it brings up past moments when I was listening to the same exact song and the feeling is indescribable. In four years, my dad got remarried to a beautiful Sophia Loren Italian woman, my granfather and SCRAM died, I made National Honors Society, I dated four guys, I took a year of dance, I was the leader of Student Government, I was recognized in multiple high school scholar publications, I grew.
And my new slogan is: A masterpiece in progress.

But, on another note, I'm not sure that John Kerry will win the Presidency this November (71 days), but in 2008, Ms. Hiliary Clinton will be on the Democratic ticket and I will be in her campaign. her slogan will be: "90 years in the Making" since Women's suffrage began in 1918. YEA! I think my generation will be the generation to see a female president and Ms. Hiliary will be the first.

Wanted to, but Didn't....

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 08:00:54 GMT

I grappled with the thought to update my live journal tonight, but instead at the near hour of 4 in the morning, I've decided to create an entry that should explain why I decided not to write in my live journal, but I'm not going to do that either.

For the Record:
I am happy.
I am excited to go back to school in about a week.
I am anxious to go on vacation to Stone Harbor, NJ.
I like someone who likes me.
I want world peace.
I will vote for Kerry in November. 73 days away!!!

Long Time, huh?

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 06:01:50 GMT

Yea Switchfoot, we were meant to live for so much more.

80 days until America's Day of Judgment: Election Day. Bush vs. Kerry

Working with Rock the Vote at The Dem. Nat'l Convention opened up my eyes into the world of politics that I've considered changing my major once more to Political Communications at Emerson College. Then, I mapped out the rest of my studies to go to George Washington for my masters and stay in DC for lobbying and harassing the Republican party until they stop hoarding all of the money for themselves and give it to the lower classes that work hella hard.
I've been practicing my newly acquired English accent just in case Bush is reelected... I'd have to move to another country that isn't dumb enough to allow a foolish dictator to rule them under a false pretense called "democracy." Which brings up another point, why in a frame work, democracy, do we have two parties that compete with each other for the majority leadership and then stall all legislation as an attempt to get political gain while sacrificing the true interest of their districts. We end up waiting years for legislation to be passed and the parties to quit playing their political games of battleship. Whateve... I'm over it.
Everywhere you turn their are ridiculous politics though. I worked in hell disguised as a summer camp for "at risk" kids. The camp director herself never clearly defined "at risk" until the 45 clueless counselors most from camp agencies in the UK arrived and we were trapped. These kids were ADHD, sexually, physically and mentally abused, couldn't read and write, have social and behaviorial issues and we were supposed to stay by their side for 24 hours a day, five days a week with shyt for pay. Nope... I'm a poor college student who needs to make money over the summer in order to avoid working during the school year so that I have more money to spend instead of waiting for my parents to toss money my way..... yea, life story. You get the point.
Beyond that, there's no place like home....

I felt like I had so much more to say in this entry, but stay tuned for part two tomorrow because my eyes are collapsing on my face right now. I'm going to bed.

I've DECIDED!!!!

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 22:05:57 GMT

I'm going to try out for MTV's The Real World.... I'll be making my tape and sending it in in early August. Wish me luck!!! If I get casted, some of you can expect to be invited to visit.

Camp Horizon is more like Camp Hell with satanic campers....

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 21:59:27 GMT

Oh livejournal, how I've missed you!!! It's a week before the Democratic National Convention and I'm still in hell, I mean camp. It's a bittersweet relationship at this camp... one minute I like it, next minute I hate everything about it. This is truly more than a challenge and although, I threaten to quit often, deep inside I appreciate the challenge. I can handle any thing after this summer with these kids. They warned us that these kids would bite, spit and hit us just before the campers arrived and thank goodness that I haven't had any of those incidences yet....knock on wood. This weekend I get to volunteer for the Democratic National Convention in Boston and reunite with my girls in Beantown, then a week from then I'm heading back home for a huge family reunion and wedding in Williamsport.... I can't wait to go home, I miss home. I loved it at home.

Derek, my ex and my future, WEIRD.

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 06:08:24 GMT

I've only hung out with you twice while I've been home these past two weeks, but something clicked. Although, I dated you in the past, your marriage material in my eyes. When we dated before, you were a sophomore and I was a senior expecting a lot of you especially for you to be out in order for me to keep my comfort. But seeing you over the past few days reminds me of the things I was initially attracted to and more. Nothing was wrong with you before and simply put, I'd totally date you again.

MY PLEDGE: If out paths are to cross sometime later in life, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and try to scoop you up again.

Derek, you beautiful mix of Italian and Irish, I want to try you out again.

Fabulous F.... Thanks to Aaron's Dick-tionary.

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 17:23:56 GMT

F
F: [abbreviation ] female. This abbreviation is used in the classified ads.

F2M: transsexual a person, who is preparing to undergo or has undergone female to male sexual reassignment surgery.Synonyms. FTM

F-word: [1960s] for the word Fuck. use by some one that funds the word fuck to be offensive [I do not use the F-word] see fuck.

face: [fm. polari slang, Br. merchant marine] very attractive features

FACE ARTIST (n.): A fellator. (Slang.)

face cream: Semen or any fluid secreted at orgasm. See come or semen of Synonyms.

face fucker: 1. a very attractive young gay guy who uses his looks for his own advantages. seeking physical relations with men, for money, or a place to live. 2. attractive, young man or boy, use by the police to entrap gay men into performing an act sex in a public. Synonyms fairy hawk 3. the one that have the sex act fellatio performed on. [I am a face fucker, so come and suck my dick.] Synonyms: fellatio

facultative homosexuality: a heterosexual man in prison may display homosexual leanings, and have sexual desire and act on them, by seeking physical relations with men in prison, from which he will happily turn to a heterosexual life, when he is freed from prison. [Submitted from,Wei Lee, Dictionary of Gay Slang]

fade: a black person who prefers white friends and sex partners.

FAG (n.): A male homosexual. (A contraction of faggot.) Commonly used as a term of contempt by heterosexuals-; only used by homosexuals derogatorily.

fagateeny: 1. [80s] homosexual. 2. a teenage homosexual.

fag bag: a woman married to a homosexual.

faggot: 1.[From the Latin word meaning bundle of sticks] A male homosexual.a term applied to gays during the Inquisition when they were burned along with witches. The first record use of the word faggot in the USA was, in reference to homosexuals, was 1914 in a vocabulary of criminal slang published in Portland Oregon. 2. a derogatory and insensitive term for gay men. 3. Gay men sometimes use it affectionately with each other.

FAGGOT'S LUNCH BOX (n.): Athletic supporter.

FAGGOT PRINCESS: One that acts like a stereotypical effeminate gay person. Example: A person that spends 10 seconds saying helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooo when picking up the phone or always using a wrist-drop move.

faggotry: A male homosexual.

faggoty: A male homosexual.

faggy: the stereotype effeminate homosexual. [you look faggy tonight.]

FAG-HAG (n.): A non homosexual female who likes consorting with homosexuals. Syn.: Queen bee, Fruit fly.

Fagin: 1. [fr Charles Dicken's character Fagin in Oliver Twist] man who teaches boys how to be dishonest 2. man who teaches boys how to make a profession out of prostitution. 3. chicken freak: one with a sexual need for young men 4. chicken hawk; Paedophile one with a sexual attraction, and need for young boy, under the age of consent.
5. a man that runs a chicken-house; club or coffeehouse catering to young homosexual, too young for taverns.

fag stag: [recently coined term] heterosexual male who enjoys the company of homosexual males..

fairies: a group of effeminate homosexual.

FAIRY (n.): The male homosexual, as seen by the heterosexual. However, the term is becoming less used. Seldom used in homosexual language, but when so it is a slang term synonymous with FAGGOT (q.v.). 2. noun. [early 1900s] effeminate homosexual.
3. noun.. An effeminate person.

fairy godmother: A male tutor and initiator.

Fairy Go Round: a cruising area (in a car) where people just keep going around and around... Synonyms. Fruit Loop [Submitted Date: Sun, 12 Dec 1999 From: "Terry M. Weatherford, Jr."]

fairy hawk: 1. attractive, young man or boy, use by the police to entrap gay men into performing an act sex in a public. 2. attractive, young man or boy, use by the criminal element to entrap gay men into performing an act of sex to blackmail them. 3 attractive, young man or boy, use by the gay bashers to trap gay men so they could beat them up.

fairy lady: 1. A lesbian who takes a passive role in sex. half-and-half: 2.bisexual. 3. sexually interested in both men and women. Synonyms. AC-DC ambibextrious; non-gender specific 4. a homosexual who is able to fuck or be fucked. 5. Fellatio plus in anal intercourse.

fairy's [fairies]: 1. a group of effeminate homosexual. 2. a group of effeminate homosexual imaginary being, the gay fairies.

fall for: [early 1900s] to become a lover of. [I do not know why I had to fall for you.]

family: [early 1980s] Gay or Lesbian, often use to refer to people who are also gay. ["He's family," meaning he is gay.]

FAMILY JEWELS, THE (n.): The testicles.

FAN (v.): To stroll about with the purpose of being noticed.

fanny: [1920s] The buttocks, ass

FANNY BELLHOP (n.): A homosexual employed in a hotel, usually as a bellboy.

fart: 1. verb. [1250s Standard English slang from 1800's] to expel flatulence gas throught the anus. 2.noun. the flatulence gas throught the anus. 3. a man. [he is an old fart.] 4. An unpleasant person.

fart around: to spend time doing innocuous things or nothing at all

fat-ass: 1. a fat person 2. a person with large buttocks. Synonyms: buffalobutt

fatherfucker: a relationship where one person prefers a love partner much older than himself. Synonyms: cherry top; intergenerational relationships

FAUNET (or FAUNLET) (n.): Sexy young adolescent or almost-adolescent boy; male equivalent of nymphet.

faunlet: teenager, boyish, adolescent juvenile, young-looking, youthful, preadolescent boy regarded as a sexual object for an homosexual. Synonyms: chicken; faunet.

fay: 1. a white person. 2. Homosexual

feathers: body hair.

featherless: smooth hairless body.

feathery: hairy.

feed: to have sex or want to have sex with someone.

FEEL (v.): To fondle another person's genitals, etc. Also: to FEEL UP; can include breasts, thighs, buttocks, etc. (n.): TO GRAB A (FREE) FEEL or TO COP A FEEL is very widely used.

feelie: child. This is an example of the polari underground gay language used in the British Merchant Marine.

feel up: To sexually grope, to touch or handle the buttocks legs or crotch; to fondle another person's clothed genitals. Synonyms: cop a feel; eat with the hands; feel; feel up; fist it; give somebody a grope; grope; honk; read braille; reef; take somebody's pulse.

feet: [Bible] is a euphemism for the male genitals.

fegelah: [Yiddish] a male homosexual.

felch: [ British] verb. To suck or lick one's recently deposited semen from the rectum.

fellatio: technical term for cocksucking. Synonyms: artiste; bilingual; bob on the knob; BJ; blow job; blow the whistle; blue jay; brush teeth; brush the teeth; cath it; chew; chew it; cop a bird; cop a cock; cop a doodle; cop a hot one; cop a joint; cuff a carrot cocksucker; CS; do; dicklick; down; drop on it; eat; eat it all up; face cream; face pussy; faire; facial; fast food sex; fix somebody up; flute FR; french; French arts; French job; French love; French way; french dressing; gaelick; gam; get a facial; getit off; get punked in the head; get punked in the mouth; give head; give pearls; give us a gam!; glory hole; gobble; gobgobbler; gobjob; go down for whomp; go down on it; grab a hot one; gum; gunch; have some cream sauce; he-blow; head job; hide the sauce; hum a tune; hum a tune on the flute; hide to sauce; inhale the oyster; iron jaws; job; kiss it; kneel at the alter; knob job; knock somebody off; kowtow chow; lay the lip; lick; lip service; Lucky pierre; mamar; maneater; mouth job; perform; petereater; picnic up on it; pipe; plate somebody; play a tune; play bugle boy; play musical arrangements; play the flute; play the horn; play the organ; play the skin flute; polish the knob; puff one some tubing; popsicle; prickick; pricknic; pull some peepee; quickie; raw jaws; root; rough trade; scarf; scorf up on a bod; scort up on a bod; senoreater; service; servive station; sit on a face; shore dinner; shot upstairs; sixty-nine; skin flute; skull job; skull pussy; snow job; speak Loe Genitalese; stool pigeon; stoop for; suck; suck a bondini; sucked dry; sucked off; swallow a sword; swing on it; swing on some flivver; take it in the mouth take somebody on; tearoom queen; tearoom trade; teenie weenie; tongue job; trade; trick; wean; whistle; whomp down on it; woof up on it; woof wring it dry; worship at the altar; wring it dry; yummy down on it; yummy up on it; zipper sex.

FELLATION (n.): Acceptance of the penis of another person into the mouth and licking and sucking it, thus exciting it (and the subject) by oral friction to produce ejaculation in the subject, whose semen is either swallowed or expectorated. (v.): FELLATE. The act of fellation. (n.): FELLATOR. One who fellates.

FELLATRICE (or FELLATRIX) (n.): A woman who fellates.
Note:Not -unlike the word "actor" which now applies to both sexes, fellator is also applicable now to both sexes.

fem: 1. A lesbian who takees a passive, role in sex 2. An effeminate homosexual male.

female breasts: Synonyms: barbettes; bazooms; boob boobie; boobs; jubes; knockers; maracas; melons; memories; milk cans; milk wagons; piggies.

FEMME (n.): (1) A female homosexual playing the female-assigned role in a lesbian couple. (2) A male homosexual, usually effeminate in appearance and character and sex role; it has somewhat similar meaning to FAGGOT or FAIRY (q.v.) but without the strong derogatory side meanings.

FENCE, TO BE ON THE (v.): To be undecided as to whether one should forsake heterosexuality for homosexuality (or vice versa).

fesse: synonym for ass

fetish: refers to the inordinate or pathological fascination a person may have for particular form of sexual stimulation.
acrotomophilia; adolescentilism; andromimetophilia; apotemnophilia; asphyxiophilia; autagonistophilia;
autassassinophilia; autonepiophilia; biastophilia; catheterophila;
chrematistophilia; coprophagia; coprophilia; creptophilia;
ephebophilia; erotophonophilia; formicophilia; gerontophilia;
gynemimetophilia; homoerotiphobia; hybristophilia; hyphephilia;
hypoxphilia; infantilism; kleptophilia; klismaphilia; mixophilia;
morphophilia; mysophilia; narratophilia; necrophilia; nepiophilia;
olfactophilia; pictohilia; raptophilia; scoptophilia; somnophilia;
stigmatophilia; symphorphilia; telephonicophilia; urophilia; zoophilia.

FETISHISM (n.): Receiving sexual pleasure through the sight or the touch of some article belonging to the sexual object, or one special part of the sexual object itself.

feygelah: a male homosexual.

FIFTH WHEEL (n.): A heterosexual in a homosexual group or gathering.

FIFTY-FIFTY (adj.):To alternate between fellation and pedication; it is separate and distinct from SIXTY-NINE (q.v.). Usually means, "I'll fuck you first; then do you."

fingerfuck: to insert a finger into the ass.

finger: 1.verb. To sexually stimulate with the fingers, rectum.
2 noun. A measure of alcohol, usually spirits. Based on the thickness of a finger. 3. The gesture of pointing one's middle finger upwards as an insult. meaning fuck off, get fucked or fuck you.

finger-fuck: verb. To sexually stimulate with the fingers, either the vagina or rectum.

fingerhoot: an under average size dick, 3-4 inches in length.

FISH (n.): Generic term for women (or the vulva); its origin being the association of the somewhat "fishy" odor of the female genitalia.

Fish and Chips Gay term the wife and kids of a male lover.[Late 1990's]

fish bashing: gay men going out looking for gay bashers to bash [Submitted from,Wei Lee, Dictionary of Gay Slang]

fish dinner: slang term for cunnilingus Synonyms: muff diving, licking the beaver

fishing: cruise: 1. is search for sex. 2. to make a casual sexual approach. 3. to drive slowly in to streets, or walk about in bars, baths and parties lookig for a sex parter. Synonyms: cruise:

fishwife: The wife of a homosexual man.

fish for brown trout: synonym for anal intercourse

FISH QUEEN (n.): A male who practices cunnilinctus; also a male homosexual (or heterosexual) who does such.

fist fuck: verb .Anal intercourse, in which the hand is inserted into the partner's anus. After insertion in the partner's anus the hand is made into a fist and a thrusting motion is made. synonyms: Ano-manual Intercourse; Brachio-proctic Intercourse; brachiproctic eroticism; FFA; fisting; fistfucking; handballing

fist it: to touch or handle the buttocks legs or crotch; to fondle another person's erection in a public restroom.. Synonyms: cop a feel; eat with the hands; feel; feel up; fist it; give somebody a grope; grope; honk; read braille; reef; take somebody's pulse.

fisting: noun. Anal intercourse, in which the hand is inserted into the partner's anus. synonyms: Ano-manual Intercourse; Brachio-proctic Intercourse; FFA. fisting off: to masturbate.

fisting off: to masturbate. See masturbation

FITZGERALD, EDWARD, English poet. He owned a boat with a young fisherman named Joseph Fletcher, whom he called "Posh."

five-fingered Annie: [late '60s] to masturbate.

five-knuckle chuckle: [High School slang, '90s] masturbation. Probably derived from the rock band by the same name. Five Knuckle Chuckle

five-minute shack up: [ mid 60s] quick sexual act with little or no tenderness, a rushed act of sex.[five-minute shack up, is not like the one night stand, the five minutes shack up, is usually over within a hour, or two. Where the one night stand made go all night.] see one night stand or quickie for synonyms.

five minute's worth: 1. Quick act of sex, with little or no tenderness. rushed sex. 2. a quick and cheap liaison with a prostitute

FLAG (v.): A gesture or signal with the hands, eyes, head to a stranger to get him to speak; a first step in a "pickup."

FLAGELLATION (n.): Receiving sexual gratification through being whipped.

flame: 1. [1600s] beloved; a sweetheart. 2. An effeminate homosexual male, that flaunts, effeminate traits. 3. Verb. To verbally attack someone via an e-mail.

flamer: An homosexual male.

flaming: 1. flaunting, effeminate traits. flash in the pen: quick sexual act with little or no tenderness, a ruched act of sex. see one night stand or quickie for synonyms. 2. one that come to quickly, a quick orgasm.

FLAMING QUEEN (n.): The homosexual male who uses cosmetics, hair sets, flamboyant clothes and, in general, displays feminism at all times to emphasize his homosexuality.

flange: to walk along. This is an example of the polari underground gay language used in the British Merchant Marine.

flash in the pan: 1.quick sexual act with little or no tenderness; a rushed act of sex. See one night stand or quickie 2.one that cums too quickly; a quick orgasm

flatbacker: 1. A prostitute. 2. Anal intercourse, in which the one that is getting fucked, on his back with he feet, up over the back of the man doing the fucking.

flat tire: a flat ass. Synonyms: cracker ass; western patio

flawless: [early 70s]handsome.

fleabag: [kwn Mid-and Southwest late 60s fr prose sl] an old whore

flea bagger: an elderly male homosexual.

fleadum: [kwn LV, late 60s] an elderly male homosexual. fleet bagger: an elderly male homosexual.

fleet bagger: an elderly male homosexual.

flesh factory: gay Turkish baths, where sex, orgy-style is more popular then the baths. Synonyms: baths; church; den; den of sin; hygiene hall; skin room; the tubs; whorehouse.

flesh-peddler: 1. a prostitute. 2. a pimp.

flick: [1920s] a movie; hard-core porno.

flip and dick: [prison slang] to forcibly ass fuck another inmate. ["I bet I can flip you and dick you before you can throw me and blow me."]

flip and fuck: [prison slang] to forcibly ass fuck another inmate. ["I bet I can flip you and fuck you before you can throw me and blow me."]

flip-collar fairy: 1. clergyman who enjoys fucking young boys who has never experienced the passive role in anal intercourse. 2. Paedophile clergyman one with a sexual attraction, and need for young boy, under the age of consent; with an eye for the altar boys.
3 a gay clergyman.

flip-flop: 1.bisexual 2. a homosexual who is able to fuck or be fucked. See bisexual for Synonyms.

flip side: ass

flinking: 1. [kwn LV, mid 60s] to date woman to prevent the suspicion of being homosexual. 2. a woman who dates a homosexual to prevent suspicion of his homosexuality, or to help him socially.

FLIT (n.): A homosexual; used at one time by college heterosexuals in New England, etc. Often used in The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger. (Slang.)

flitty: An homosexual male; effeminate homosexual man.

FLOATER (n.): A male transient who prostitutes himself to homosexuals, some of whom will seek out only this type of trade so as to minimize the danger to themselves through gossip or exposure.

flog one's meat: to masturbate.

flogging the poodle: to masturbate. flong one's dong: to masturbate.

flong one's dong: to masturbate. See masturbation

floozy: unrestrained homosexual, uncontrollable desire by a man for sexual intercourse one that needs to have sex all the time. See whore for Synonyms.

flophouse: a cheap hotel or lodging houes; a small room rented by, the night by male prostitutes, to have sex with a clients. Synonyms bird cage; chinch pad;

flophouse foul line: the crevice between buttock cheeks. Synonyms: crease; crack; valley.

FLORAL ARRANGEMENT (n.): A DAISY CHAIN (q.v.).

FLOSSY (adj.): An effeminate homosexual, as applied by the heterosexual. (Very rare.)

flow: 1. to be arouse sexually to the gratification, of having semen come from the penis. 2 to reach, or bring to a climax, orgasms.

flower: 1. [1950s] a homosexual who takes the female role in a gay relationship. 2. A female impersonator. Synonyms: drag queen

fluffer: a gay man who is responsible for keeping porno actors with stiff hardons during takes. The fluffer uses all his talents between shots to insure the best erections for filming

fluff the duff: synonym for anal intercourse

flute: 1. eighteeth-century expressions for penis. [Do you play the skin flute?] 2. A homosexual male. fluter: A homosexual male.

FLUTER (n.): A fellator, as used by heterosexuals. (Rare.)

FLUTTERER (n., obs.): An effeminate male homosexual; a short-lived
word invented by the press in the late 1930's or early 1940's.

flyer: 1. [60'] one that will do just about any drug he could lay his hands on. 2. one that need to use drug to have gay sex.

fogeagoge: [2000] fag in oge, a made up Street kid language. See faggot

fool around: 1. to have gay sex. [Do you fool around?] 2. to pass one's time idly.

foop: 1. to do homosexual sex acts. 2. [early 1900s Australian] effeminate male, or male homosexual.

fooper: A homosexual college students.

Foot Buddies: groups (usually organizations) of men with a foot fetish.

forbidden fruit: 1. any boy under the age of consent, whom having sex could be a possible stretch in prison. Synonyms: jail bait; jail house pussy 2 teenager, boyish, adolescent juvenile, young-looking, youthful. chicken. 3. [60s] homosexual infected with venereal disease.

FORESKIN (n.): The covering fold of skin over the penis which is on all males at birth; the prepuce.

forty-four: a prostitute.

forty-one: [state of Texas] A male homosexual.

forty-niner: [40s] in anal intercourse the man who fucks, as opposed to the one who is fucked. See active partner for Synonyms.

four-eyes: a person who wears eyeglasses: fox: a beautiful sexually attractive man.

foxy: [40s] sexually desirable.

FR: to suck cock See blow job for Synonyms:

frame: a heterosexual men attractive to homosexuals.

FREAK (n.): A homosexual, as termed by a heterosexual.

freak trick: a customer of a prostitutes, who demands very exotic or brutal sexual activity, S&M, a customer who gets his kicks from brutally beating boys or girls.

FREDERICK THE GREAT: King of Prussia. In a letter warning his nephew against sodomy, he wrote: "I can assure you, from my own personal experience, that this Greek pleasure is not a pleasant one to cultivate."

freeload: verb.To be entertained, fed, or supported. To receive or take offered services and pleasures without reciprocation.[All he is looking for is to freeload off of you.]

freeloader: A person who freeloads.

FRENCH (or FRENCH IT) (v.): To fellate or cunnilingue, the French pretty much being given credit for originating such; usually a heterosexual term.

french kiss: [1920s] the act of kissing passionately, open mouthed kissing. Synonyms: deep kiss; mouth wrestling; pass secrets; throw the tongue; tongue wrestling; soul kiss; suck face; swap spit.

French letter: [middle 1800s] A condom. French postcard: A pornographic photograph.

Fresh: disrespectful; impudent; sexually bold.

fresh meat: 1. someone new to having sex, an inexperienced homosexual 2. virgin. 3. a newcomer 4. a stranger.

FRICATION (n.): A method of gratification practiced by a minority of male homosexuals (and female homosexuals, with certain modifications, and also heterosexuals) wherein pleasure and orgasm is experienced through fondling the body of another person through body contact and friction as well as mutual genital friction; or friction of the penis of the aggressive participant between the thighs or buttocks of the passive participant.

friend of Dorothy: noun. A euphemism for a homosexual. for gay icon Judy Garland, in the film The Wizard of Oz.
During the 1950s and 1960s drag queen, the Judy Garland imitator, with the singing of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Judy Garland was the most beloved icon of the gay culture of the time. It was uncannily symbolic that the Friday night of June 17, 1969 was the birth of the Gay and Lesbian leberation movement, with the Stonewall riots began, was also the day of the funeral of Judy Garland.

friends with benifits: a friends soneone that is not your lover, that you have a on going sexual relationship; that you only call on with you are look for sex. [Jimmy is just a friends with benifits, he is a good friend loves sex, but would not make a good lover.] Synonyms: fuck buddy:, booty call

frig: 1. verb[late 1600s] to masturbate. 2.[early 1900s] to do the sex act fuck.

frit: A male homosexual.

froot loops: 1.the rectal opening, anus; asshole. 2. a group of gay men.

Frottage: technical term for belly-fucking, the princeton rub.

FROTTEURS (n.): Those who are excited by rubbing against the genitalia of strange persons of either sex in the midst of crowds.

FRUIT (n.): Originally, a fellator; then the term expanded in its heterosexual use to mean any male homosexual; now failing into disuse.

FRUIT FLY (n.): Women who are seen in the company of homosexuals although they are not homosexual themselves.

fruit juice:
Semen or any fluid secreted at orgasm. See come or semen of Synonyms.

FRUIT PICKER (n.): Term used to describe men who both think of themselves as "straight" and who are so considered by those who know them, but who seek out homosexuals for sexual gratification at the moment.

FRUITSTAND (n.): A place where hustlers are likely to be found; originally referred to faggot hangouts, but the meaning has shifted from buyer to seller.

fruity: A male homosexual.

FTM: transsexual a person, who is preparing to undergo or has undergone female to male sexual reassignment surgery.Synonyms. F2M

FUCK (v.): To perform coitus with a male or female; to pedicate, or to irrumate.1.verb. [1200s] to do a sex act to or with someone.
2. [In the early 19th century naval commanders breviated "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" in their log books as FUCK.] An act of fornication.
3. to insert a penis into a mouth, or anus. 4. a person as a sex object.
5.noun. a sex partner. 6. anal intercourse, the penis or some other object, is inserted into the anus for intercourse. synonyms: anal intercourse; asshole buddies; back scuttle; bag; bake potatoes; ball; bang; behind; bend over; bend some ham; BF; bless; bonk; bore; bottom man; broaden outlook; brown; brownie quenn; buff; bugger; bum a load;butcher knife; butt-bang; butt-fuck; buttplug; catcher; charva; cheeks; clusterfuck; coat; coger; come in an ass; come in an asshole; cop an ass; cornhold; cornhole; corking; coucher; cupcakes; daisy chain; dick; dig a ditch; dig boy ass; do a brown; dork; dorkin; dot the "I"; drill; dry clean a rear; dry hump; dust; eye opener; flip side; flip one over; frig; fuck; fuck in up the ass; fuse together; get into some ass; get it up there where the air is rarefied; get one; glued to the ceiling goose go to press; greek; guy-fucking; helium legs; hershey highway; hit the round brown; hot buns; hotdogging hump jog up some buns; joog up some buns; jook up some buns; jug up some buns piece of ass; knock off a little; KY; lay; lay some pipe; lay the leg; lucky; made; make; make babies piggies; manhole; ninety-nine; open up the ass; oscarize; oso-oso; pack fudge; pack some mud; paint the bucket; part cheeks; paint; peaches; perve; pierre; pipe; pitch; pitcher; plank; play dump truck; play leap frog; plow; plug; pogue; poke; polk; pop it in to the toaster; pork; pound one's popo; powder cheeks; pull a boy onto the dick; pump; punk in the ass; push; put a hurtin' on an ass; put it to; queer a person; ram; rectify; ride; ride a bull; ride the deck; roger a bud ; roger a bum; roll over; rosquear; rump the cula; saddle it; screw; service; sexualize; shaft one in the bum; shtup; sixty-sixty-six; skewer a shish-kabob; snag; split some buns; spread apart; stir fudge; stir chocolate; surf; third way; sweektcakes; sweetcheeks; thread; top man; tom-fuck; trick; tunnel; V for Victory; vaseline; vegetable; versatile; visavis; wheel down; wild thing; work; yentz

fuckable: 1. one that is open for sexual consideration. 2. one that has no lover, and could be looking for a lover or relationship.

fuck-a-buck: 1. a prostitute relying on quick volume rather than high-priced clients 2. to have sex with a mountain-man type person

fuck boy: 1. prostitute 2. prison sexually oppressed constantly raped victim. fuck-flat: an apartment or other place where sex takes place quite often

fuck buddy: [1990s] soneone that is not a lover, that you have a on going sexual relationship; that you only call on with you are look for sex. Synonyms: booty call

fuck handles: [kwn NYC, late 1960s] The fleshy sides of the waist. Synonyms: bar handles; goodyear; love handles; spare tire.

fuck book: [60'] a pornographic magazine or book.

fucking: doing the sex act, anal intercourse, the penis or some other object, is inserted into the anus for intercourse. see synonyms anal intercourse or fuck. Syonoyms: dicking

fucking buddies: 1. two who are not lover but come together for sexual gratification. 2. two who are not lover but come together to go cruising for threesomes.

FUCK IN (or UP) THE ASS (v.): To pedicate.

FUCK IN THE MOUTH (or FACE) (v.): To irrumate.

fuck file: a pornographic movie. fuck in the ass: anal intercourse, the penis or some other object, is inserted into the anus for intercourse. see synonyms anal intercourse or fuck.

fuck like a bunny: 1. to come to soon 2. to fuck vigorously.

fuck money: 1. price of the baths 2. money saved to buy a boy prostitute.

fuck movies: a pornographic movie.

fuck pole: expressions for penis.

fuckstick: expressions for penis. fuck someone's brains out: to fuck busily and for a long time. [I took him home and fucked his brains out.]

fuck-thing: prostitute fuck up the ass: anal intercourse, the penis or some other object, is inserted into the anus for intercourse. see synonyms anal intercourse or fuck.

fudge: anal intercourse because of the fudge-like appearance of a "dirty fuck".

fudge-packer: 1. [midwest] homosexual 2. and gay man who preforms anal sex with another man.

FUNNYACTING (adj.): A euphemism for homosexual used by polite little old ladies when describing their effeminate nephews. Example: "Nothing's wrong with Percy. He's just funnyacting."

fur: pubic hair.

futy: to do the sex act fuck

FUZZ (n.): The police.

fuzznuts: a boy or young man with no pubic hair. [some boys stop being fuzznuts at 9 and some not till 23.]

Au Revoir Williamsport.... Quick Recap of the past week with feelings.

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 17:17:02 GMT

I've been home for two weeks and again, I'm shipping out tomorrow heading back to New England. Although, I'm excited, I enjoyed home. These past two weeks, I've hung out with my BESTs and had F U N, FUN. Going away for school really helps you to like home a lot more, but I really haven't stayed around longer than a month and that probably has something to do with it too. Pangri is one of my three bests. She's incredible. We dated prior to my homosexualness and she endured the same process of coming out that I did except she was questioned by others for dating a 'mo. Our friendship is much like Lyndsay and me where you may not see each other every day, but when you do you pick up right where you left off. Then, there's Jilliann, the girl who had me put on her skirt in ninth grade as a Dare. I did it and we've been inseparable ever since. Of course, the last is my mo friend, Stephen, we're Bests because we.... we just are. He's mucho comical. I love these three grande.
I had coffee with my ex and my montoursvillian, Jess. I love them too. So much love to share. Yea, Derek is hilarious. I enjoy him mucho. Having coffee and chattin' it up, I started to feel a certain way that maybe if I were to be around a little longer, something could come of it, but unfortunately, I'm peacin' out of this town in a day. Whatever happens, happens. I'll just keep on living and breathing and if our paths cross again, I'll be happy.

Another Perspective.... Response from Jenna

Mon, 14 Jun 2004 18:27:36 GMT

*Here is the Response I received from Jenna (my insightful cousin who I look up to as one of my role models)*

Now, without sitting and pondering the situation you've described to me, here's my off the cuff, knee-jerk, reaction.

Had I not known that you are gay, and that the people you describe are of the male persuasion, I would have though for sure you were talking about woman!!! This is exactly how woman act...and this should not be a surprise to anyone...after all gay men are feminine - right?

You said you "think highly of yourself" but that you're "insecure." You felt that because guys weren't oggling over you that you must not be attractive - ego bust, yet at the same time you feel like you're too picky.

Some guys are out on the dance floor taking off their shirts to gain attention, others are too timid to even speak.

These descriptions and statements are how and what women feel all the time.

So let me give you my 2 cents - which will more than likely be more like 100 dollars, because I can't do anything small.....

1st- you are NOT TOO PICKY. There's a difference b/t always finding something wrong with a possible love interest b/c you're afraid of commitment than NOT lowering your standards to simply get a piece of ass. The moment you stop being picky is the moment your self-esteem goes to hell. Never lower your standards...ask others to raise theirs. Also, a lack of discretion can lead to sexually transmitted disease etc...which are are more than educated about!

2nd - a ho is a ho; black, white, guy, girl. Taking off your shirt in a club is an act of desperation and ho-ish. Just think of girls that you know or have seen out wearing clothes that are too revealing, sleeping around, acting like trash. It's all for attnetion...and unfortunately it's the WRONG kind of attention. You can have casual sex and NOT have to wear it on your sleeve. There's nothing wrong with having discresion...it's much more mature and respectable. You don't want your business out for everyone to see....plus I guarantee that those guys that act that way will end up getting AIDS or some other disease...maybe not all, but some.

3rd - Being intimidated by potential interests - honey, who isn't?!?!?!? No matter how much we like to kid ourselves, we ALL have moments when we second guess ourselves. That's just a reminder that we're human....roll with it...it keeps you humble and helps you to treat others with respect and kindness. Remember, they are feeling this way too! All you can do is know that you're doing the best you can with what God gave you. Just because the guy across the way doesn't think much of you...doesn't mean that the next one won't think you're the best thing since sliced bread.....one man's trash is another man's treasure. We can be all things to all people. You know that you have a "type" of guy or person that you like....so does everyone else. Some guys might not go for the Lenny Kravitz type. And yes, there are some people that are intimidated by you...there always will be....most times there's nothing you can do to change that...and most often you shouldn't want to...intimidation is insecurity turned outward. Remember that - it goes both ways.

4th - you're in that in between age area - this is a difficult time regardless of your situation. Too old to be hanging with 16ish - not mature enough; too young to be hanging with 25ish - you aren't mature enough...you'll get your heart ripped out. There is a big difference between 20 and 25...in two different places in your lives...be careful. This is the time to have some fun....dating should be difficult, but not so traumatic as it was when you were 15-18...only because you're free from that horrible high school environment...where everything is a game. This is a time to explore...RESPONSIBLY....and figure out what you like and dislike in relationships....get a feel for your dating style....then that spills over into your mid 20s and you begin to make much better dating choices. You think you're picky now....it only gets worse as you get older...simply b/c you've been burned, hurt, kicked, loved, and lost...you learn the warning signs and steer clear.

5th - please remember where this ocurred....Wilkes-Barre....not that you don't experience this in other places...but PA is so backwards and out of the loop on so many things. Frankly, I'm surprised they have a gay club where you felt comfortable going.

I know that I haven't given you the answers to life's questions, but it's a perspective. Thanks for the kind words and valuing my opinion. I appreciate that...and am always here to lend an ear.

Love you,
Jenna

*I think the world of Jenna and her introspective is like a nice cup of coffee... it wakes you up. Take this perspective and apply it to your life. It fits with many people on many dating questions.*

Of course, I already had the same ideas that she basically reassured me were valid. I love JENNA. She's a truly wise role model.

Speaks for itself....

Sun, 13 Jun 2004 06:38:17 GMT

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

For some reason I'm not surprised by the Narcissism rating. Everyone's already warned me.

S0ulmirr0r.... YOU'RE BUSTED!!!

Sun, 13 Jun 2004 06:22:35 GMT

Jadorable's LJ stalker is s0ulmirr0r!

s0ulmirr0r is stalking you because you got better results for the 'acronym' thing than them. They are also leaving anonymous abuse on your journal!

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

Have anything to say in your defense?

Didn't think so!

JK

LOVE YOU! HOLLA!!!